Cooking advice #1

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 19th August 2011, 23:20

SUBJECT: Milk?

Hello,
I've had a look through your website and I'm struggling to find a recipe for milk. Is it possible for somebody to post one?
Regards,
Gerald.

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 21st August 2011, 19:16

SUBJECT: RE: Milk?

Dear Mr. De Baptiste, 

Thank you for contacting us.  We currently do not have any recipes for Milk.  Please refer to the following web address, it may be of some assistance to you:

http://www.adadc.com/

Best regards,

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De Baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 21st August 2011, 19:51

SUBJECT: Milk?

Hello again,

I'm a little bit confused by your response. I can't see that this pages has anything related to milk recipes, apart from the large background picture which is of somebody pouring milk. 

Regards,

Gerald

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 21st August 2011,20:07

SUBJECT: RE: Milk?

Dear Mr. De Baptiste, 

Via the like I sent to you, you may learn about the process of dairy farming and discover where milk comes from. I hope this is of help.

Best regards,

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 21st August 2011, 20: 31

SUBJECT: Goats?

Thanks again for the prompt response, although it has left me more muddled than when I began. My science teacher told me that milk used to come from the nipple which is hidden in the beardy part of a goats chin. He said that because of overbreeding and normal mutations, goats lost their chin nipple and now all milk is produced in factories, but he said that the recipe was even more secret than the KFC recipe. He said that only one person in the world knows the proper recipe and he's got no mouth. 

Regards,
Gerald

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 22nd August 2011, 18:02

SUBJECT: 

I'm afraid I'm not able to offer any more help on the subject. 

Warm regards, 

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De Baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 22nd August 2011, 18:19

SUBJECT: 

That's a shame because I feel like I was only just getting to know you.

Yours always,
Gerald

Cover Note

In the real world I do stuff in which I have contacts with other people's CVs. They're pretty much all the same and all shit. I wouldn't employ 99% of them. I decided I'd write my own and sent it out to as many companies as I could via email. Here's the note I'm sending out. All replies will be added as they arrive.

Dear Sirs,

I am seeking employment of any kind. Your company seems as good as any. In the current financial situation, the work market to me seems like a bar at 1AM – those drinkers who haven't yet pulled are willing to take just about anything. That is how I feel. Though I may add that your company falls in the still attractive pile. I'm not on to the fugsters yet.

My speed of learning any given task obviously is relative to the task given. Having said that, I am above average intelligence and can't imagine I will have any problems with any tasks you may give me. I am reliable and I keep my sickness levels down to a minimum. I rarely get migraines, nausea (unless I'm on the waltzers), or diarrhoea. When I do take time off sick, it is usually the result of a friend or family member's birthday falling on a work night. When this happens I will endeavour to book the next day off, but if that's not possible I will have to phone in sick or get somebody to do it for me for added dramatic effect. I can't see this happening more than 3 times a year.

I am open to all kinds of work, and included in my hourly rate I am happy to feign enthusiasm for any given job: I have worked in a tampon factory, in an electrics shop, and in a bar amongst others, and I've always given the impression that I am happy and I care. I would be more than willing to do the same in your company. Of course there is the chance that I will genuinely love working for you, and if that's the case, you will know because I will shave everyday. If this happens, you've hit the jackpot.

I like to make sure that I'm always washed and in clean clothes. I wear an appropriate level of aftershave – a level which will provoke the client or fellow workmates to think 'Wow, he's smells good, yet subtle. This is a man who is confident, but not overbearing' and not 'He went into Boots on his lunch time and got as much out of the tester bottle as he could while nobody was looking'.

I'm good on computers. I admit to using social networking sites, which I will probably want to check a few times a day. I never look at porn sites unless it's a Saturday night and I've stayed home alone drinking whiskey. I am happy to answer the telephone and I have a lovely phone voice. I'm prepared to do accents if you need me to. I certainly won't use the company phone for personal calls, as I have a mobile phone with lots of free minutes, so if need be I will sneak off to the toilet to make the call.

I get along with most people. Saying that, I'm not keen on people who gossip, swear a lot, spit, pick their nose and smudge it under their desk, people who read The Sun, people who wear too much make-up, people who think reality TV is important, people who talk about themselves nonstop, people who break wind and don't own up to it, people who quote sitcoms and think they're funny, people who laugh like pigs, and people who rub their hands together before they eat their dinner as if they're some sort of sexual deviant.

May I forward you a copy of my CV? I would be happy to include a fairly up-to-date and barely photoshopped photograph of myself.

Regards,

Gerald De Baptiste

Amazon Reviews Vol. 1

Here are the first 3 reviews that got me banned for life from reviewing on Amazon. I don't understand their reaction, as they are all related to the products in question.


#1. David Hasselhoff Sings America (album)
I was born with completely straight pubic hair. If I was going on a date I would curl them with my mother's curling tongs beforehand. I listened to this album and I was cured. By the time the last track had faded out my pubes were a curly thatch.
Well done, David!

#2. How To Avoid Huge Ships (book)
I haven't read this book, but I could write it. I could write it even if I were a drunken sailor. I could write it even if I were my retarded neighbour who wakes up in the night screaming for somebody to put his knees back on. I'll do it here, in one sentence, and save you your money:
HOW TO AVOID HUGE SHIPS
Chapter 1.
Stay away from the sea, and from docks and ports.
The End.


#3. William Shatner The Transformed Man (album)
As a teenager one summer holidays, my friend and I decided to record each fart we produced onto a C-90 cassette via his tape recorder. It took  two months to fill, but we did it. It was the best tape ever. We used to listen to it normally, sped up, or sometimes we'd just call people and play the tape to them. Unfortunately we had to throw the tape player away because the mic slot smelled like a dirty vegetable patch by the time we'd finished. My plan is to one day sell the tape to EMI or Sony.
Listening to The Transformed Man reminded me very much of listening to that tape full of farts. I already own this album but I'm going to buy it again anyway.

An Unusally Large Leaf

The reason for this exchange is almost completely true. I won't spoil it by explaining it here, but I'm glad to say that our first article is educational and is probably deserving of an award. I'm not much of a gardener myself but when I was in school I had a cactus called Leonardo that I kept on the window and eventually cut open to see if there really was water inside it.

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 16th August 2011, 19:09

SUBJECT: An unusually large leaf

Dear Sirs,
I wanted to ask about a rather strange thing that has happened in my uncle Jerry's garden. We often sit there in an evening drinking beer and gin in his back room. At certain times of the night it's time to use the toilet, but his house is quite big, not to mention lopsided and a bit shadowy, so we took the habit of opening the back door and going up the garden to relieve ourselves. We always went up to the same area at the back of the garden - for urination just, never to drop a faecal. After a few months this one dock leaf was bigger than any of the others, and within a year or so, the leaf was the size of a group of cats. My uncle called it 'the piss leaf' and he takes people to see it when they visit.
My question is if this is a valid method of making plants grow big and stong and if so do you know of any system that would suck the waste from the toilet and then spray it all over the garden? it would certainly save the hassle of standing there and doing the wee manually.
If this system doesn't exist, I have designed something and would be happy to write an article about it for you and also provide drawing and advice.
Regards,
Gerald

*****

FROM: [a gardening magazine]

TO: GeraldDeBaptiste

SENT: 17th August 2011, 10:54

SUBJECT: RE: An unusually large leaf

Dear Gerald

Your email made me smile. The well known organic gardener Bob Flowerdew is always recommending that people wee on their compost heap.

I expect that a certain amount of urine is good for some plants but the issue lies on hygiene. Sewage is made into fertilizer and used on golf courses but it has to go through incredible sterilization before it can be used for health and safety reasons. So probably not an idea with legs I’m afraid.

Kindest regard

The Editor

***** 

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 17th August 2011, 12:55

SUBJECT: RE:RE: An unusually large leaf

Dear Editor,
Thank you for such a prompt response. I am surprised to hear that hygene would be a problem. My uncle is a chicken fancier and has about 20 of them in his garden. Whenever we go to the leaf the come clucking toward us like it's dinner time, I assumed the liked the scent. Now whenever they hear running water they go clucking like crazy, they're like Pablo's Dogs.
May I send my blue prints to you which may be forwarded to Bob Flowerdew, or perhaps you have his phone number and I would be able to get advice from him directly? He has a wonderful name for a gardener. I've got a policeman friend who's surname is Law. I bet Bob's friends have a little chuckle at the coincidence.
Kind regards,
Gerald

*****

TO: GeraldDeBaptiste

FROM: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 17th August, 12:57

SUBJECT:

Feel free to forward it to me and I will try to pass it on.

I then decided I would go straight to Bob himself, while taking the time to draw up my plans. I emailed him the same email that I first sent to the gardening magazine, and just added a little bit on the end saying that I found his email through google and assured him that I wasn't a weirdo.

Bob got back to me, only instead of a proper answer he spammed me with a list of his services. I got back to the other gardening magazine about it all and it was time to send a drawing of my plans for the watering system...

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 18th August 2011, 11:46

SUBJECT: 

FROM: [a gardening magazine]

TO: GeraldDeBaptiste

SENT: 18th August 2011, 15:44

SUBJECT:

I think you have attatched the wrong file.

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 17th August 2011, 15:55

SUBJECT:


Have I? Why, what did you get?

FROM: [a gardening magazine]

TO: GeraldDeBaptiste

SENT: 18th August 2011, 16:07

SUBJECT:

It was a picture of a topless man drinking beer. 

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [a gardening magazine]

SENT: 18th August 2011, 18:11

SUBJECT:


I tried to draw the plans for the project but my hand shakes quite a bit and I'm not that good at drawing, so I thought I'd send you a picture instead of how happy a person would look who used my system. You can't argue with how happy he is, can you? That's my dream


and that was that. I've received no more replies, despite having emailed again today. I think they've passed on my idea.