Cooking advice #1

FROM: GeraldDeBaptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 19th August 2011, 23:20

SUBJECT: Milk?

Hello,
I've had a look through your website and I'm struggling to find a recipe for milk. Is it possible for somebody to post one?
Regards,
Gerald.

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 21st August 2011, 19:16

SUBJECT: RE: Milk?

Dear Mr. De Baptiste, 

Thank you for contacting us.  We currently do not have any recipes for Milk.  Please refer to the following web address, it may be of some assistance to you:

http://www.adadc.com/

Best regards,

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De Baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 21st August 2011, 19:51

SUBJECT: Milk?

Hello again,

I'm a little bit confused by your response. I can't see that this pages has anything related to milk recipes, apart from the large background picture which is of somebody pouring milk. 

Regards,

Gerald

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 21st August 2011,20:07

SUBJECT: RE: Milk?

Dear Mr. De Baptiste, 

Via the like I sent to you, you may learn about the process of dairy farming and discover where milk comes from. I hope this is of help.

Best regards,

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 21st August 2011, 20: 31

SUBJECT: Goats?

Thanks again for the prompt response, although it has left me more muddled than when I began. My science teacher told me that milk used to come from the nipple which is hidden in the beardy part of a goats chin. He said that because of overbreeding and normal mutations, goats lost their chin nipple and now all milk is produced in factories, but he said that the recipe was even more secret than the KFC recipe. He said that only one person in the world knows the proper recipe and he's got no mouth. 

Regards,
Gerald

FROM: [cookery magazine]

TO: Gerald De Baptiste

SENT: 22nd August 2011, 18:02

SUBJECT: 

I'm afraid I'm not able to offer any more help on the subject. 

Warm regards, 

Customer Relations

FROM: Gerald De Baptiste

TO: [cookery magazine]

SENT: 22nd August 2011, 18:19

SUBJECT: 

That's a shame because I feel like I was only just getting to know you.

Yours always,
Gerald

Cover Note

In the real world I do stuff in which I have contacts with other people's CVs. They're pretty much all the same and all shit. I wouldn't employ 99% of them. I decided I'd write my own and sent it out to as many companies as I could via email. Here's the note I'm sending out. All replies will be added as they arrive.

Dear Sirs,

I am seeking employment of any kind. Your company seems as good as any. In the current financial situation, the work market to me seems like a bar at 1AM – those drinkers who haven't yet pulled are willing to take just about anything. That is how I feel. Though I may add that your company falls in the still attractive pile. I'm not on to the fugsters yet.

My speed of learning any given task obviously is relative to the task given. Having said that, I am above average intelligence and can't imagine I will have any problems with any tasks you may give me. I am reliable and I keep my sickness levels down to a minimum. I rarely get migraines, nausea (unless I'm on the waltzers), or diarrhoea. When I do take time off sick, it is usually the result of a friend or family member's birthday falling on a work night. When this happens I will endeavour to book the next day off, but if that's not possible I will have to phone in sick or get somebody to do it for me for added dramatic effect. I can't see this happening more than 3 times a year.

I am open to all kinds of work, and included in my hourly rate I am happy to feign enthusiasm for any given job: I have worked in a tampon factory, in an electrics shop, and in a bar amongst others, and I've always given the impression that I am happy and I care. I would be more than willing to do the same in your company. Of course there is the chance that I will genuinely love working for you, and if that's the case, you will know because I will shave everyday. If this happens, you've hit the jackpot.

I like to make sure that I'm always washed and in clean clothes. I wear an appropriate level of aftershave – a level which will provoke the client or fellow workmates to think 'Wow, he's smells good, yet subtle. This is a man who is confident, but not overbearing' and not 'He went into Boots on his lunch time and got as much out of the tester bottle as he could while nobody was looking'.

I'm good on computers. I admit to using social networking sites, which I will probably want to check a few times a day. I never look at porn sites unless it's a Saturday night and I've stayed home alone drinking whiskey. I am happy to answer the telephone and I have a lovely phone voice. I'm prepared to do accents if you need me to. I certainly won't use the company phone for personal calls, as I have a mobile phone with lots of free minutes, so if need be I will sneak off to the toilet to make the call.

I get along with most people. Saying that, I'm not keen on people who gossip, swear a lot, spit, pick their nose and smudge it under their desk, people who read The Sun, people who wear too much make-up, people who think reality TV is important, people who talk about themselves nonstop, people who break wind and don't own up to it, people who quote sitcoms and think they're funny, people who laugh like pigs, and people who rub their hands together before they eat their dinner as if they're some sort of sexual deviant.

May I forward you a copy of my CV? I would be happy to include a fairly up-to-date and barely photoshopped photograph of myself.

Regards,

Gerald De Baptiste